The Jets are not having a good season. There, I said it. But, still, we found a way to lose to them. Well, I for one am not going to take this sitting down. It occured to me that there are a great many things i would have expected to see in my life before I saw Bz lose to the MTU Jets. Here are my top 10 favorites:
1. A New, GOOD Star Wars movie.
I felt this one really had a chance. With the recent purchase of LucasFilms by Disney and with the promise of episode 7 I figured, well, that gives us at least the rest of Winter and the next Spring league to dominate the Jets before 3 films worth of suicidal nerd rage comes to an end. The Jet’s play is easily a match for the horrible dialogue, plot of episodes I and II (III is better, not good!) and that brought joy to a generation. Why not Bladezillas? It turns out that, in place of mitochlorians, Rob “The Force” Antoniali is filled with bottled beer, anger. So close. “Anontiali, you’re breaking my heart!” See what I did there?
2. The End Of The World
Now, I am not comparing losing to the Jets with the End Of The World. Don’t think that, thats crazy. Did losing feel bad? Absolutely! Would I have had to bring back the Joleen Suicide Watch-O-Meter had she been in net? Probably! (Don’t do it PAt – you have so much to live for?) To be fair, I will also admit I would have preferred to watch “2012,” if only to play my favorite game, “Where The Hell Is Mike Richards In This Fucking Movies, Ugh.” But the End is only ~2 months away. 60 days! We should have been able to hold out awhile longer. I hope Planet Ice, Delta, sinks into the river. But I dont want John Cusack there to see it (or at least I dont want him to survive).
3. The Ultimate Show Down Of Ultimate Destiny
Nawhals vs unicorns attacking a pegasus which is fighting undead vampire mummies. I expect this any day, now.
4. I Would Lose My Youthful Good Looks
I never thought I would look this good forever – most of my life, sure, but not indefinetly – but it never occured to me that the Jets would defeat such a dashing young man on the ice. Not to mention this loss has done nothing for my complexion. This isnt a laugh line – I’m not laughing! No one is laughing! No, this is a stress line. A dissapointment line! Do i have to take down my many, many mirrors now? Am I going to look like Dewey, soon? What a wakeup call this has been. I hope my health and wellness fund can be used towards plastic surgery…
5. All Of The Havoc Would Be Dead.
This one might be more “wishful thinking” I suppose but a man has to have dreams, doesn’t he? If you had asked “Mr. Zilla what is more likely: a team with a single win beating Bz or the entire Havoc franchise dieing in a firey, scream-filled crash… or maybe being sucked into the Fraser and washed out to sea?” Well, there have to be a LOT of people out there willing to tamper with brake lines or divert a major body of water. I mean, you’ve met the bastards, right?
6. Troy Spawns A Legion
Not only would I not have believed the Jets would beat Bladezilla but it was not beyond the realm of possibilities that when that awful day did finally manifest itself the losing Bz squad would be manned entirely by Shannons. Seriously, though, condoms. Their not just for sailors anymore, Troy.
7. The Ultimate Show Down Of Ultimate Destiny
Nawhals vs unicorns attacking a pegasus which is fighting undead vampire mummies. I expect this any day now.
8. Mr. Zilla Meets, Abducts Kylie Minogue
Much like the Havoc Homicide Fantasy this leans towards the wish fullfillment side of the board but, blog content-wise, needed to be included. Obviously this isnt as realistic as many of the other life events described today but, speaking in terms of sheer want and willpower, it ranks highly amongst the most likely to actually happens. Geographically, sure, the Atlantic isnt cooperating. But did anyone tell Dewey he couldnt manage his own hockey team? No! Did anyone tell Jamal he had to pay to play? Well, yes, technically. But he said no! Maybe Bz could finance a Gulfstream g5, it could happen! Dewey keeps calling until ou pony up! If you want something enough sometimes the dream comes true. Kylie, Call me!
9. Have a Winning God-Damned Season
Seriously.
10. Bladezillas.com posts a bitter, rage and entitlement-filled post about how unfair everything is, how bad the refs are and how its going to be their turn, one day. Just you wait. You’ll see! you’ll all see.