Bladezillas 4 – DB Athletic Club 5
Hockey! That is a thing I believe we can all agree that we enjoy. We certainly got some hockey! Oh, you maybe wanted something more specific than that? So goddamned needy.
Justin “In The Leg Hole” Doyle had a wonderful breakaway from Karl (not Sean, never that!), barely keeping ahead of the defender-in-chase to score 5-hole. We were joyous seeing Doyle get such a nice goal, saddened when he high-fived the air where Dan would usually be standing. Never forget.
Rob Antoniali rocked someone who had been coming at him all game, was told by the ref that he did the right thing defending himself. It was like Rob was being hugged for the first time by his mother. There must have been something in his eye, perhaps some errant ice? When it melted it left a single track down his otherwise granite cheek…
“Big” Bobby Beardmore** had a clutch game, jump-starting the offensive on several plays with fast breakouts, turn overs and a break away or 2. He got the Belt. No big deal.
2 late goals, one on the PP and one with the goalie pulled to bring it within a single goal.
As much as I wouldn’t want to play against the Bz now (because we are so good?) I certainly wouldn’t want to play against us c.2008, and that is what we did last night. Questionable jerseys? Check. Last minute call-ups to fill the roster? Seems like it. Stick work when confused? Lil’ bit. Entire team carried by a single player, goaltender? So close (think about it…). Speaking of which…
The Downsides of Beer-League Recreational(?) Ice Hockey.***
Depending on your level of Bored Internet Ragegasm (high?) there is, we think, a way to express our concerns with bottom division, beer league hockey; a multi-tiered chart might explain the full and depressing extent of the Athletic Club’s systemic douchebaggery. Maybe its more of a flow chart? A boredom-induced, overly-complicated means by which we can path their decline into the Competitive Desperation Abyss from which they will likely never escape.
Step 1: “Lets Kill Hitler.”
So many things sound like a good idea at the time. And easy! Always so easy. Why can’t we fly like the birds? Why don’t we use this mysterious blue box to travel through time and space and stop the Third Reich?**** Why don’t we start a beer-league hockey team despite our general lack of players, skills, and general sense of humanity? The sooner you register the sooner you win a championship, I guess? Allons-y!***** This first step is the most forgivable of all but an error nevertheless. You didn’t know any better! Who knew it would come to this? Your team name is awful and meaningless, a statement thats coming from a team named The Bladezillas in a league with the likes of “Player 1,” “Boda” (?) and “Kung Fu Pickles” (??). Either get a name that makes sense or a sponsor that will get you a set of jerseys! But what is done is done – you can’t stop, you won’t stop(1) – its only important now that you do the right thing, take it day by day.
Step 2: “Life Under Coach DJ Khaled”******
Say one thing about the Bladezillas, say we try to take the High Road. Or that women want us, men want to be us. We aren’t picky when it comes to compliments. What you cannot say about Bz is that we prioritize winning over all else; we don’t bring out people who are so far above our skill level as to be unrecognizable within the sport. We aren’t stacking our lines, or benching Jason Martin when the game is close. We try not to run Dan and Will until their hearts explode in their chests! We like to think we bring a little respect to the rink – not much, lets not overthink this! – but we try. You want to be able to live with the choices you make in life, right…
Step 3: “So this is Christmas, and what have you done?”*******
The third point on this sad map is acceptance. You accept that you don’t have any depth on your roster and that there are no divisions below that you can drop to. Accept that Michael Phan isn’t going to be the one to decide who he passes the cup to after the commissioner hands it to him. You look deep inside, past the insecurities and beyond the things your father taught you, through the noodles you had for dinner and the bottle you emptied to find the courage to set the knife aside in the locker’s bathroom before the game and you… Pass it to Your Guy. It doesn’t matter where he is – breaking out ahead of your team? Pass him the puck! Across the ice all by himself? Saucer it! Floating behind the enemy defense at center while, pressured, you beg for the sweet release of death? FEED HIM. If everyone does it no one has to feel bad, right? For the watch!(2)
Step 4: “Carla was the prom queen.”*******
Don’t forget to celebrate the game, Mike Bui! Let Doug Makai spin your post-game victory music as you hand out your Player of the Game award (we assume it is an Ovechkin mask w/ a mirrored visor********). You earned it guys, well done.
On a side note: can’t wait to destroy them next time.
Blog References: Explained!
*John Wayne Reference. Starting easy tonight!
**Bernie Mac, Transformers. So Greasy.
***Clearly this means more to some people than others.
****Mediocre episode of Doctor Who but a clever title regardless.
***** Another Doctor Who catchphrase, 10th (best!) Doctor.
****** Singer-songwriter responsible for “All I Do Is Win.”
*******John Lennon lyrics!
*******1996’s “The Rock” reference.
********Mirror visors, the douchiest of visors.
Secondary Reference Format As “*” Became Prohibitively Long
(1) Miley Cyrus Lyrics!
(2) Game Of Thrones – God damn you, Olly! I hope you’re happy!