In one of the most shocking Bottom Tier games in modern 8-Rinks history, The Predators have defeated The Bladezillas 3-2 to become the second-worst team in the ASHL.
“I pledge to every player in our division that we will be leaders for all teams,” Predator forward and Div E2D Overachiever Brad “The Next-Next-Next One” Flitton said in his victory speech after the Associated Press called the game for his team at 4:59 of overtime Tuesday evening. Striking a conciliatory tone, “Captain-Elect” Flitton continued, “For those who have chosen not to pass to me in the past, of which there were a few people, I’m reaching out to you for your assistance and your help so we can work together to get me past 3 points a game and to unify our great Division.”
He also said Justin “The Ex-Secretary Of Hate” Doyle had called him to concede the 2 points. “Justin and his fellow Bz have worked very long and very hard over a slow 3 periods, and we owe them a major debt of gratitude for their services towards my point total,” he said. “I mean that very sincerely.”
“It was The (Predators) versus almost all the experts … it looks like (forward) Chris Nakatsu was right,” Bladezilla.info Political Analyst Jolene Badger said on CNN at 9:55 pm on Game night.
Flitton, an area janitor and athletic neophyte, upended every rule in the book to clinch his victory. He bested 2 others on his line for ice time and puck possession, both of whom were actual team members with more than a handful of games played. “One of [Brad] “The Spare Flare” Flitton’s real sources of strength is not just that he took the fight to the Bz in an abstract way, but that he was the one guy on a bench of 16 players who really seemed culturally disconnected from the other players,” Ron Pope, author of Playing For The Back Of the Jersey: A Shitty Canadian Story, told The Province during the post-game celebrations.
Throughout the night the Predators didn’t play hockey in any sort of traditional way. They were outshot by The Bz 2 to 1, and had a small, disorganized offensive game up against the Antoniali “dofense” machine. TMZ wrote two separate cover stories about the meltdowns and disarray inside the Predators locker room this season, not to mention new reports concerning Matthew Kirk’s pending litigation over his failed online men’s lingerie company Mengerie,
But throughout his Game, Flitton openly flouted convention and touted his success in ice-whoring that no other players had been able to effectively emulate. “This is a movement,” Flitton would tell his followers who showed up by the pair to see him speak. Many supported him from their anger and their sense that the Predators need a big change, that the way basement-dwelling beer-leaguers work is broken. In the final minutes of the match Flitton began using the slogan “Hey! I’m Over Here!” to talk about the team’s game plan, which he said crowds “loved.”
As Head Janitor and Points Leader Elect, Flitton has promised he will build a wall along center ice so that he need never play on the defensive, suspend the use of running time to afford him opportunities to get back on the ice, and renegotiate NAFTA.
Flitten has promised to meet with assistant captain Scott Syme at the Predator head office this week to begin the transition of all the letters over to his jersey.
More news as it develops.