In this week’s Dear Zilla we bring to you a Facebook message/cry for help sent to us following one of our games earlier last season against the Planet Express HC.
Concerned, Underappreciated Nuetral-zone Trapper writes:
Hey Duncan Brown. This is the guy from Friday that you cheap-shotted on the ice. Just wanted to let you know what a chicken shit move that was to cross-check me from behind. I’ve never seen anything like that. I guess you think you’re a player – I don’t know. That’s nothing to do with hockey and if you enjoy the game you can’t do that. Everyone out there is out there to enjoy the game and play hard. Attempt to injure has no place, it’s a piece of shit coward move. Your whole team thinks it was disgraceful – they might not tell you to your face, but they all thought it was gutless. I wonder what your friends and family would think of you if they knew that’s how you play the game.
Anyway, looks like you are suspended indefinitely. Hope you enjoy that.
-Chad Siemens
Dear CUNT,
Mr. Zilla doesn’t know where to begin! Words hurt more than sticks, some times, and sticks can hurt quit a bit. We come to Division Lowest hockey every night to keep the spirit of fair-play, sportsmanship and honest competition alive but we’d be lying if we didn’t stay for.. whatever the fuck this is. (full disclosure: we also stay for the opportunities to use italics).
First, lets get past the obvious: it was a cross-check. We assume you’ve watched hockey before at some level (not a lot, mind you) and that you know what a cross-check is. We also assumed we wouldn’t get random Facebook messages several days after a game, of course, so what do we know? Just in case: here is a helpful instructional video explaining the penalty. If you want an NHL example, click here! You can even pretend you are Crosby, if that helps. If this is too complicated or you find yourself reaching for your phone/Facebook/pen knife, here is a video titled “Happy Relaxing Guitar Music For Children.“
Also, please don’t tell us what the Bladezillas find acceptable, disgraceful, gutless or what-have-you. We accept Duncan despite his love of electronic dance music, tight pants and body piercings. We appreciate Duncan not despite his bringing random girls into the locker room but because.
Remember, Duncan: play fair. Do the right thing. If you fall, or stumble, or are viciously knocked to the ice by an immoral, hateful humonculi, get back on your feet and don’t give up. Also? Don’t write self-absorbed text messages through your tears, hitting the blurry ‘send’ button before cry-screaming yourself to sleep, because the internet can be fucking hilarious.
[Editors note: Duncan Brown was suspended for 1 game, not “indefinitely.” Because it was a cross check.]
-Mr. Zilla