As the bottom division of Burnaby’s beer-league races towards the playoffs, un-diagnosed alcoholism, the Bladezillas are better poised than ever to pull the trigger on a deal for a solid, proven veteran to ensure they are successful in their league-mandated, 2 game minimum post-season.
The day Steve “King Corsi” Halverson was hired to coach the Bz, president and amateur paleontologist Dewey “What Happens in China” Booth was asked whether he’d abandon the team’s 8-year franchise rebuild if Halverson came to him saying they needed a veteran to help them win a game in the playoffs.
“I can tell you that was one of Stevie’s questions for us and there was only one possible answer,” Booth said at the time. “It was, ‘You can’t build a team without a foundation; where is Joleen? Has anyone heard from Troy lately? We hear Mike Richards isn’t doing anything.’ That was an important answer for him to get, especially from our board.”
“Hey guys? You need a player?” -Jamal Dube
That conversation was 4 seasons ago and things were a little different this week as the rejuvenated BeeZee saw one time Bladezilla goalie and political hobbyist Joleen “Remember Me? I’m Joleen” Badger return to Vancouver from a stint playing for the Alberta NDPs as well as ASHL 19th round draft pick turned journeyman defense-man Troy Shannon post on Facebook for the first time in several months. Since the tumultuous middle 6 seasons in the franchises’ storied and overly documented history, the Bladezillas have signed a goalie who can reach the crossbar to a long-term contract, has lured players who can stop at 1 or 2 children, and feels like Richards is still part of the team every time they watch the 2 seconds of ‘2012’ in which he was on screen. He’s a movie star!
Its 2017 now and the Bladezillas are flush with prospects and young players not yet ruined by years of Havoc games, league and game mismanagement, or defensive breakdowns in both ends. They have a plethora of spares who, if feeling 98% or above, can be called upon in at moment’s notice to fill out a roster. With the success rate for second-round picks varying wildly, it is amazing that young guns such as Bob “Pattern Pants” Beardmore has been able to make such an impact so quickly. “I dress for hockey like I dress for bed and I play hockey like I dream” reminisced Beardmore pre-game last Friday.
“If you guys need someone let me know – my BMW is in the shop tho, can I get a ride?” -Jamal Dube
Despite heavy roster turnaround, and with the ASHL Trade Deadline™ being a very real thing in every way, Dewey “I Manage” Booth has felt the fan’s call to sign additional talent for a final push. “We definitely kicked the tires both here and in the Delta Conference” said Head Scout and Child Entertainer at Outdoor-Themed Birthday Parties Bob “Fuzzy Wuzzy” Long. “Ron Pope won’t waive his no-trade with the Vivonet Jets until he hears back from the NHL, and no one is sure what happened to the Havoc’s White Person. Frankly, I think we have exhausted all our options.”
“Did someone say there are rides?” – Charlie Yao
Bladezillas.info caught up with offensive coach and person in line for Good Charlotte tickets Justin “It’s All Part of the Job” Doyle at a recent post-game interview. “This new-look Bladezillas has specific needs. We need someone who can step in and play at a high pace until he is eventually frustrated off the ice, someone who can carry the puck from end to end and who has some finish, and most importantly someone with a good sense for tasteless entrance music. Preferably someone Asian.”
Mike Richards’ whereabouts are still unknown.