Another spring league, another rink! The dofense is shining, the opponents are chirping. Is that… Yes, I do believe that is jasmine body wash you smell lingering in the locker room.
Truly, Spring is in the air.
To ring in the new season and add a little nostalgia (back when I was young we had recaps every game, uphill both ways and in the snow!) we brought out an old teammate – Mike “The Award” Pollard! – to the game to cheer us on.
Like 2 virginal flowers blooming with timid uncertainty, The Bladezillas and The Blades of Steel were cautious leading into the first game of the spring. Every team is a new team for BeeZee so they took no chances and peppered the Goalie Of Steel with shots from every angle. The league doesn’t seem to record shots (final shot count a surely-coincidental 4-2 for Bz) so we are going to say there were 25 shots stopped by the opponent in the first 13 minutes alone. Unbelievable!
Said “Mike” “Incorrect Use Of Quotation Marks” Pollard: “Before I had an award named after me – you may have heard of me, I am a pretty big deal – we didn’t win a lot of games. I did what I could, and I am glad you are still trying without me, but honestly, my hopes aren’t high. Who are all you people? Where am I?”
14:43 into the first period Jason “8 Rinks Refs Don’t Understand Me” Martin took a blatant and clearly malicious hooking penalty, putting his team on the defensive for 2 minutes. The Bladezillas then scored 2 shorthanded goals, the first as Sean “My Family’s Love Ends In Delta” Ruczko picked the puck at the opposing blue line and went in for a partial break away. 27 seconds later Steve “In Like Flynn” Halverson scored again to put the Bz up 2-0.
Said “The Award”: “It is really cold in Saskatoon. Why did I wear all these jackets? I had to take a jacket off. Did anyone see my Jacket? Its black and it is too warm but it is nice in Saskatoon and its mine and I’ve lost it.”
The second period was back and forth with another 65 combined shots, none of which resulted in a goal.
The 3rd period opened with a goal by M. Tran, whose first name (and a derogatory nickname) we will exclude because that humanizes our opponents and they aren’t people, really. It got a second goal, too, because it was clearly the best player/thing/whatever on their team and hey, it doesn’t know any better, it think’s its people! Steve Halverson scored another, followed by a second, empty-net goal by Sean to seal the deal and start the season 1-0-0 in Burnaby.
Said Mike Pollard: “Alex, is that you? And Nick? I didn’t know you guys played for the Bz still. Oh, god… Did I Die? Is this hell? That doesn’t make sense… Surely Alex was always going The Pit but Nick always seemed like such a nice – oh, that’s right, Kelowna. I forgot about Kelowna…”
Mike Pollard was last seen shiver-praying in the parking lot, begging for warmth, forgiveness.
Mike Pollard’s jacket was later found on his chair.